A Delicious Scoop of Perfectly Recollected Sub-Conscious Awesome (That Totally Happened)

I recently had a dream about a girl I know. A girl named Ed. The dream was so amazing that I immediately woke up and wrote down every part of it in exacting detail. Here it is:



Okay so we were chilling in some sort of living room. We had all our clothes on. There were other people there. Conversation was being had. But some of the people we were chilling and conversing with were underage and they wanted to drink. You had some booz on hand and you offered it to them because nothing makes you happier than contributing to the delinquency of minors. That's what you said, anyway. I wasn't going to stop you because when you drink you get this wild look in your eye like you want to Tiger-punch somebody in the clavicle and you were hitting the sauce harder than usual that night.

That look kind of turned me on but then I caught you catching me catching that look in your eye and it scared me so I peed. The 12-year-old girl across from us must have been able to smell the sexual tension because she looked up from the 40oz Steel Reserve you insisted she drink and started taking her clothes off. That was all it took for the crowd of 10-15-year-olds to start stripping and mashing their mashables together. Because we're not sick pedophiles and we had no idea whose living room we were in we decided to bail. You insisted on taking the condoms with you. Not because you wanted to use them but because you wanted to be responsible for damaging society and evolutionary growth as a whole. I tried to stop you but you gave me a look like you wanted to Dragon-kick somebody's ear and my left testicle actually began to bleed so I gave up.

Once outside, we didn't really know where we were or where to go so we just went. Just then, as we were walking, I spotted a Polar Bear raping some fat girl. I mean, he was really going at it (spoiler alert: she doesn't make it).

I was all, "OMG, look! That polar bear is raping a fat chick!"

And you were all, "That's not a Polar Bear, that's a Brolar Bear."

And I was all, "What the FUCK is a 'Brolar Bear'?!"

Suddenly, the Brolar Bear stopped his howling, furry onslaught and looked in our direction. He had heard me. He charged for our position and I shit myself quite badly. Mostly out of fear, partly out of excitement. The Brolar Bear could smell it and it only made him charge harder. Then you sprang from a crouch screaming, "FINGER OF THE LAVENDER!" and in a flash of stunning fury the Brolar Bear lay at my feet, a crumpled ruin.

I stared at you in stunned amazement, "Where the hell did that come from?!"

"I don't want to talk about it."

"And what in the blue fuck is 'Finger of the Lavender'?"

"I DON'T want to talk about it."

You then gave me a look like you wanted to Jaguar-chop somebody in the knee. It was so intense my sphincter puckered so hard I got two inches shorter. So I left it alone. You walked past the bear and examined the remains of the fat girl. "Jesus Christ," you said, "it looks like somebody ran a fat girl through a meat grinder and ejaculated all over the result."

"Wow, Ed, that's both disgusting and horrifyingly accurate."

"I know." You breathed an angry sigh, "I knew this would happen."

"What would?"

"The Brolar Bears have become too powerful. They must be stopped."

"Okay what the fuck are you talking about?"

You then detailed to me the long history of the Brolar Bears and how they were once a peaceful brotherhood called the Snowlar bears who were a secret society of humanitarians living under the Pacific Ocean promoting good will and scientific research. One day they discovered, deep within the earth's core, a living, growing plant. After extensive testing it was found that the plant, later code-named "Superfunjitsu" could grant incredible powers to a Snowlar bear. But, the Brotherhood of the Snowlar Bears' leader, Mufasa declared Superfunjitsu unnecessary and potentially dangerous and ordered it to be destroyed. Mufasa's brother, Scar was furious when he heard and arranged to have Mufasa killed. Later that week Mufasa was run down by a rampaging herd of Wildebeest. He died in front of his only son, Simba. In his father's absence, Simba hoped to take over the throne but, being that he was only a small Lion cub, Scar easily had him killed too.

With Scar now leading the Snowlar Bears he implemented an army, named the Brolar Bears, and fed them all the Superfunjitsu they could eat. It gave them incredible powers but it also gave them an unquenchable thirst for blood and rape. It wasn't long before Scar realized he could not control the Brolar Bears and decided to unleash them on the far inferior humans at ground level. Sending them up one at a time to prevent them from maul-raping each other on the way up, they landed on the West coast and began their murderous rampage across North America.

As you finished your story I felt like we had bonded so I tried to kiss you. You gave me a look like you wanted to Koala-jab me in the eye. It was so intense my pancreas cried, so I didn't kiss you.

Then, you got up and took a deep breath before saying to me, "There is no-one else who can stop them. It is our destiny, come with me!"





And then I woke up.